Fake it till you make it
“Fake it till you make it” is one of those AA slogans that I heard frequently when I was doing my internship with folks in recovery. The idea is that even if you want to just go back to whatever your favorite drink (or drug) was, you just act like you don’t. Live your life like you want to, and eventually you actually will want to.
Sometimes I feel like when it comes to fat acceptance I’m faking it till I make it. And recently, this has been very true as I’ve encountered some health issues. One was that I had an abnormal pap in August and when they re-ran the test they found that it was a form of HPV that has a high cancer risk, so I had to go in for a colposcopy (which is unpleasant, yes, but more mentally than physically). Thankfully it turns out that I only have what’s called “mild dysplasia,” that is, only a few cells have small abnormalities, and usually that means the body will be able to fight off the virus eventually on its own.
But there are other issues that came up in a regular doctor appointment that I’m not ready to go into today (although I will eventually because there is totally a discussion in here about how fat folks are treated by health care professionals). And that’s really the main reason I haven’t been posting so much lately. I’ve been feeling discouraged, the reality that I’m still “faking it” very present with me as I’ve been unable to muster up a blog post about fat theology. Some part of me knows, though, that it is the depths from which I should write, because I know that I am not the only one going through these things. Perhaps it is the fear that this blog is so public, the issue still so raw (though not nearly as raw as it once was). I have some readers who’ve been blogging for longer than I have, and I’d love to hear how you deal with feelings of vulnerability when talking about such a personal issue.
Today I’m feeling better and expect to be back to normal blogging this week. There will probably be another post later today or tomorrow because I’m about to head down to a gym for the first time in AGES… I’m determined to conquer my gym fear and do a free week trial at 24 Hour Fitness (chosen for the simple reason that my spouse’s job heavily subsidizes membership for employees and their spouses). I’ll give it a try for a few days and see if it’s worth it to keep going back.