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September 23, 2009 / Katie

Fake it till you make it

“Fake it till you make it” is one of those AA slogans that I heard frequently when I was doing my internship with folks in recovery. The idea is that even if you want to just go back to whatever your favorite drink (or drug) was, you just act like you don’t. Live your life like you want to, and eventually you actually will want to.

Sometimes I feel like when it comes to fat acceptance I’m faking it till I make it. And recently, this has been very true as I’ve encountered some health issues. One was that I had an abnormal pap in August and when they re-ran the test they found that it was a form of HPV that has a high cancer risk, so I had to go in for a colposcopy (which is unpleasant, yes, but more mentally than physically). Thankfully it turns out that I only have what’s called “mild dysplasia,” that is, only a few cells have small abnormalities, and usually that means the body will be able to fight off the virus eventually on its own.

But there are other issues that came up in a regular doctor appointment that I’m not ready to go into today (although I will eventually because there is totally a discussion in here about how fat folks are treated by health care professionals). And that’s really the main reason I haven’t been posting so much lately. I’ve been feeling discouraged, the reality that I’m still “faking it” very present with me as I’ve been unable to muster up a blog post about fat theology. Some part of me knows, though, that it is the depths from which I should write, because I know that I am not the only one going through these things. Perhaps it is the fear that this blog is so public, the issue still so raw (though not nearly as raw as it once was). I have some readers who’ve been blogging for longer than I have, and I’d love to hear how you deal with feelings of vulnerability when talking about such a personal issue.

Today I’m feeling better and expect to be back to normal blogging this week. There will probably be another post later today or tomorrow because I’m about to head down to a gym for the first time in AGES… I’m determined to conquer my gym fear and do a free week trial at 24 Hour Fitness (chosen for the simple reason that my spouse’s job heavily subsidizes membership for employees and their spouses). I’ll give it a try for a few days and see if it’s worth it to keep going back.

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5 Comments

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  1. living400lbs / Sep 23 2009 11:43 am

    *hugs offered*

    I hope that things do work out for the best, though I know sometimes they don’t.

  2. jl3wis / Sep 23 2009 5:55 pm

    Hugs and prayers are with you.
    God Bless!

  3. April D / Sep 23 2009 7:14 pm

    I’ve had that same abnormal pap result (and if I’m remembering the name correctly then that procedure was the same I ended up having… as yes I just read the page and had that same twinging sensation and memory of coffee grounds. It all ended with the same result you mentioned) and it was just as discouraging as it sounds like it has been for you. The most frustrating thing was then going in every 3 months for yet another pap for a full year to make sure every subsequent test came back normal.

    As to the blogging I’m not sure that I’ve been doing it long enough to have formed a solid ‘method’ but as I have basically been playing things as far as I feel comfortable. I am fine putting out images of myself to get more non-bashing fat women pictures out in the world. But some things I veer away from discussing. Usually I just ignore or delete comments I don’t have the energy to try to take on which demand I explain my whole reason for defending fat as anything other than BAD; which is quite often honestly. Because for me it comes down to: it is my blog; my personal space. I write what I wish. Others handle calling out douchebaggery in amazing ways. Some others handle the science aspects better than I, though I may still touch on the subject. You and others tackle the potential religious aspects far better than I. It is hard to decide though what sort of limits to set…. hmm after all that I’m not sure if anything I wrote was helpful at all or more of a “Yeah, don’t know!” kind of response, sorry!!

    In any case blessings towards healing in body and in spirit. It does take a lot of raw exposure to put a blog out there on such touchy subjects. But if you weren’t feeling called towards speaking out then the avenue would not have opened to you. I tend to fall into the “everything happens for a reason” camp about the way life opens and closes doors for us. I think of your blog as a wonderful door into a perspective that doesn’t get a lot of play and I look forward to any sorts of postings you might bring to light :)

  4. Abby / Sep 23 2009 9:53 pm

    I am grateful to the people who can let themselves be vulnerable in front of others. From where I’m standing, it looks like that’s where some of the best healing comes from, like what can happen in support groups and, of course, 12 step meetings. Having said that, visibility via the internet is kind of new. We, your readers, don’t need to know anything you’re not comfortable with telling us. If you do decide to share, though, there are at least a handful of people who will meet you with kindness, gratitude, and their own sacred stories.

    Let me be an example. When I had my bloodwork done last, my cholesterol was mildly high and my triglycerides were not so mildly high. I’ve gained about 70 lbs. in the past year and a half and become largely sedentary. It is really hard to not think of myself as a bad fatty. I am faking it until I make it. xoxo

  5. bri / Sep 25 2009 4:31 am

    Katie I am sorry to hear you are having issues like this. As fellow (sister?) counsellor and Fat Acceptance believer, I know all too well where you are coming from. Just look after yourself and be good to yourself. If you need someone to talk (in a counselling way) to and don’t have someone who is up on FA, please feel free to contact me. Like you say on your counselling site (which is awesome by the way!) being of a different spiritual path won’t negatively impact any discussion that takes place. I know you don’t know me from a bar of soap (do they use that expression in the US?) but I just wanted to offer anyway.

    *hugs*

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